Me and Death (Reversed)

In lieu of a bit of fiction for my tarot spread theme, I want to talk about me. I wasn’t sure what to do for the four cards that represent the quarters of the year - the Quarter Cards, if you will - but it feels right to have a bit more introspection about how life has been unfolding for myself and not so much about fictional characters.

Of course my first Quarter Card of this year had to be the scariest in the entire deck, right? Nobody wants to see the Death card pulled in any placement in any reading for any reason. Death is scary! But really at its core, the card is just about endings and not physical death. It’s the mark of a major change happening, but nothing to fear!

The traditional art for the card is an armored skeleton on a white horse trampling both kings and peasants alike, since death doesn’t discriminate. It’s meant to evoke the last Horseman of the Apocalypse, Death riding in on its pale horse and bringing about the end of all things. In the far background is a sun rising between two towers that feels more of an afterthought compared to the main symbolism on the card. But to me it feels like the biggest takeaway you can get from the Death card: endings are beginnings.

The first few months of this year have been some of the most pivotal of my adult life. Work has been generally awful, dealing with mental illness has been generally awful, the state of the world has been generally awful. Then throw in the stress of a wedding, and you move from ‘generally’ to ‘incredibly’ awful. I have such a horrible habit of retreating into myself and barreling forward when life gets tough, ignoring my own needs and driving myself into an even worse position. As my therapist put it, something had to give. Either I would have to change my environment or I would have to change myself.

Then the wedding happened. It was the most transformative and euphoric experience of my life. To have all the people I loved and adored in one place, getting to celebrate, and spending much needed time with my girlies in some hill country cabins were the absolute best days of my life. So naturally when all was said and done and I was driving home, I started planning to kill myself. Life would never be the same, and it wouldn’t ever get better than that weekend, right? Mental illness is tough.

I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: I’m not going to kill myself. But Death had come for me. Something had to give, and it was me. I don’t feel like the same person anymore, and I’ll admit that I’m still trying to understand what that means. And all of this happened in January!

In my reading, though, the Death card is in reverse. The theme of the card remains, endings and beginnings and change and all that, but the reversal signifies stagnation and resisting that change. It’s a reminder that in order for things to change, and they must change, we have to let it happen. How many times can I keep saying change?

Think about someone clinging to life. Death is coming for them no matter what, and the longer they hold on the worse their situation will probably get. Fear drives them, keeps them paralyzed about what comes next. So they hold on to what they know and are familiar with instead of embracing the inevitable.

I found myself in the same situation the past few months. All my fears and doubts about myself were proven to be untrue. I’m not a burden on the people I cared about. People actually like me and my friendships aren’t just an act of pity. My anxieties about how I act or move through the world were based on assumptions and not reality. The love I have for my friends is reciprocated despite my personal shortcomings. So much about how I saw myself and my place in the world has changed.

And that’s scary! But would I rather be living life with a blindfold because I didn’t want to, or couldn’t, see what’s right in front of me? Absolutely not!

I’m still trying to figure out what comes next for me. My D*ytripper contract is over, I just started working on a big statewide campaign in Texas, able to pick up smaller and better paying contracts. I’m free from a workload that was crushing me, my finances, and my personal life. I turn 32 in a couple of weeks. I feel like I finally have my life back, and I’m just not sure what to do with it.

We also don’t have to talk about how I’m already behind on April and May’s short stories because having a creative block is a whole other thing that I’m dealing with. Or that I’m cycling through medications every few weeks which is also a rollercoaster.

All this to say that I’m in a transitional phase of my life, and I’ve been pushing it off for years at this point. I’m learning to trust myself more, and I can adapt and change if I just let go. It feels silly to be afraid now. Endings are just beginnings, right?

This is part of a series based off a 20-card tarot spread meant to guide you through your next year. This is for the first quarter of the year (January, February, and March) and my pulled card, Death.